Before the sun rises. Morning musings.
Typically I consider myself as a good friend to have….but now…I feel like I’m a suckish friend. Am I really that bad of a person to get to know or hang out with. I know I can be quiet..but sometimes I really don’t have anything to say or don’t know what to say even if it’s just small input phrases. Maybe all of my situations are just unfortunate and that the fact I’m not as outgoing as I pretend to be, doesn’t help in me not initiating or keeping bonds. It’s my own fault I’m like this. That I hardly have friends. Yes I do have friends but not very many and the “friends” I do hold aren’t very close. Most of everyone are like acquaintances really. All of the closeish friends I’ve made have all gone away, most to UCLA… And now I’m…alone. I don’t like the feeling. Pretending to be happy isn’t fun.
There wasn’t much I could do anyways. I wasn’t dorming, I don’t actually have my own car to do as I please, so I had to conform to the family schedule (which is extremely hectic). I unfortunately had a night class which apparently led to the downfall of my rushing experience into the fraternity (and the whole reason was dumb anyways tbh bc apparently people suck and I can see where they’re coming from but tbh I’m a person that can make things happen when assigned to..but people who don’t know me don’t know that unfortunately). Since I wasn’t able to pledge, my friends that I kind of made, ended up doing it all together. Making them closer…and me just….there. It’s not going to be the same when I try again spring quarter. By then I would have already missed 2 quarters of countless bonding times. And that isn’t something you can replace or remake. Just like all of the friends I kind of made, who are all dorming together. You can’t get on the same level, the opportunities to do so hardly exist. It’s not like I could’ve sneaked in, I had familial duties and other things. And that just sucks. It’s so unfortunate.
My pride gets in the way. I don’t like seeming desperate for friends. Which is why I hardly talk about this and if I do, I don’t make anything seem serious. I don’t like being that one person who always asks to hang out with a group even though I wasn’t originally invited, my thinking is that they obviously didnt invite me for a reason. That I wasn’t close enough, that I’m not good company, that so and so would be more fun to take or go out with, or other things like that. It’s probably not true but honestly that’s what goes through my mind.
Even me being in college is unfortunate. And I’m referring to the fact I wouldn’t even be able to if it wasn’t for the freaking cal grant. Like. I would not be able to afford anything, since my family has been short every month basically so far. It’s a miracle enough we’re not living in the streets right now. That’s how bad it is. I’m happy that I actually get to pursue a degree of higher education, very blessed. But it’s nothing I expected or wanted it to be. At all. I was so looking forward to college. For the experience. But it didn’t happen. And you can’t get back your first year, you can’t redo it later, it doesn’t work that way. I can only move forward and try to get on track to what I wanted to achieve. But even then it won’t be the same.
The green monster of envy is real. I’m so jealous of all the people I know who were able to dorm or move out, that was something I really really wanted to do. If anything that was the primary thing I was looking forward to. But I’m stuck at home because honestly, my parents can’t afford to let me dorm. We can’t even get loans. Can’t even get them for my own car. Because of the goddam foreclosure crisis and how it killed their credit scores. It helps that I’m at home since it saves cost and it helps them being around to drive the kids to practice and just other things that need to be done. But. It’s taking away my time, hours, days, weeks, years of experience I could be having like the others. It’s being stolen away from me at the cost of being there for my family. Sure this is all very selfish or me, but what do you expect when everyone else I know is able to get to do all of those things.
I know other kids have it worse but I didn’t grow up like they did. I didn’t live in their or similar situations. I have higher aspirations and expectations. And it just sucks that this happened.
I’m trying. But sometimes college doesn’t look like a chance to experience fun or other things to me any more, it’s just something that I need to do to get an okay job later in life. There may some nice things that I do during, but it’s nothing that I wanted it to be. And I need to stop wanting that since it’s not going to happen. And this is me being pessimistic about life. My mindset will probably alter after this is done but that’s how I feel as of now.
I really don’t know how things are going to turn out. I’m still in the process of making efforts to thrust myself into people s lives to create opportunities to bond…which is not the easiest task when they’re all already at the close level…but not even just them, other people too. That and the truth of my actual scared nature of making friends. It’s so hard when you really only go to school for classes and discussions then have to leave after. It’s hard when you’re behind and there aren’t many people who are on the same track as you. Its just. So hard. And I need to stop complaining and just suck it up.
Again with the whole resume thing, I’m actually going to start taking classes at the Art Institute. So I’m enrolled in two colleges. And I have a part time job right now. Life got harder to manage. But I think I can do it. And if I think I can, I can. Right?
I just really hope things turn out for the better. They have to. I’m going to go crazy if they don’t. I’ve already become more antisocial with lack of human friend engagement that its kind of sad comparing to the shadow of my peak year in high school (junior year). Seriously.
My dad also finally got a full time job starting January and my mom said that after that we finally won’t be short. I’m looking forward to that. It’s really scary worrying about not being able to pay bills to live or money for food.
Even though as a family we’re struggling, I’ve been spending. A lot. With my new earned money. It’s really just bits here and there though. I kind of feel bad but at the same time I really don’t. Because I’ve been holding back for so long for this moment when I was in college, when I would be able to do some things I’ve done. In high school I was just so restricted with the whole family schedule with practice and school. And now I’m free somewhat from it. I’ve gotten to do some things I wanted to but couldn’t, and I’m just so grateful for that. Living the life. But not really. Still haven’t been able to achieve a lot of things I wanted to. I certainly did achieve some things I didn’t mean to, and those were surprising and never expected. But yes. The effort and desire for accomplishment is so real and raw at this point. Not having things desired and having things taken away from you really does unleash hunger. This year was probably the hardest year for me and my family (actually the past 1.5-2 years) and I’m glad we got through it together and with a roof over our heads. Whether the unleashed desire is a good thing or not, 2014 and future years to come are worth looking forward to conquering.